Me Again

Soooo

I'm crying a bit. 

I've been feeling so lost lately, but I am sincerely trying to find my way back. 

Ya see, I did see C in July, and for the most part, it was awesome. 

There were a few things that he said out of immaturity that hurt me, but other things that were so kind and wonderful. 

And the wonderful parts, which was the majority, was like a dream. 

Truly. 

I did find myself super nervous tho at times, while at other times completely at ease. 

We did talk about relationships and that conversation was a bag of mixed emotions. 

Pretty much we like each other, but the distance is too much of a deal breaker for him. 

We kept in touch though- not as much as before when it came to FaceTiming and such, but we did text here and there. 

As time went on tho, I feel like I got more and more stressed - like does he even like me, or does he just like kissing me. 

I was honestly so stressed to the point where I second guessed everything he texted me and truly didn't know where we stood. 

On the other hand, this cute guy doesn't believe in God. :( Which is the last thing I want to hear. 

Initially, I thought he was more open to Christianity the first few months, but the second time I saw him (in July), he just seemed like his mind was made up, and while I didn't push him or get defensive, I was proud of myself for standing up for what I believe in at least. 

Anyway- last week I decided to FaceTime him. 

My friend M.P. even helped me write out notes because I was so nervous and wanted to still come across well. 

We had small talk at first, and of course he looked cute unfortunately lol but the conversation went something like this:

Me: "So I've been confused lately, because we're dating when I'm there, but we're friends when I'm here but not?"

Then he goes on to say this which I was very surprised he said: "I'm sorry if I made you feel stupid." I said thank you (because I honestly felt at times he did think I was a little stupid) - then he goes, "I never wanted to hurt you." I go- "No I know you never meant to hurt me, but I'm not the kind of girl that does friends with benefits- with anyone." 

C goes- "I would 100% try something if it wasn't for the distance- I have seriously thought about if I can see I together and it's just the distance." - me: yeah I mean I know distance can be hard... but also I feel like we believe in different things. 

He pauses. I go on. "Like you don't believe in God and I do- and idk if you've ever had a situation like that before- I don't think it would bother you that much, but I think it would be difficult." 

He goes- "yeah, I have had something like that, and I feel like we wouldn't argue but there would be disagreements, because it does effect things." I go- yeah like on a daily basis. I go- "I've been thinking about if I can be with someone in general that doesn't believe in God- and it's just too important for me. I just want to be with someone that believes in the same things that I do" - he goes "well I really hope that you do find that". 

Thanks, I say back. 

I go- "ya know, I didn't want to ghost you or anything- I wanted to give you the respect and courtesy of being honest" he goes- thank you for telling me- better to know now then in a year." 

There was a bit of a pause, and honestly I can't remember everything- but I went on to say, "I care about you, and I think you know that"- then C goes: "Well I care about you too, and I hope you know that"

I go - "ya know even though we dont believe the same things, we get along so well- he agreed- I go " I mean you didn't annoy me for the most part" and we laugh. 

I say a half-joke and say, "well, if you ever become Christian..." and we both laugh. Then he goes, "well if you ever become atheist.." I go- "tough luck buddy! I'll pray for you." We laugh again. :) 

He goes- "I still like you- I'd still like to get coffee when you come again if you want" 

I go- "yeah I still like coffee" and smirk. I talk about months I might come. 

Short pause and we're just smiling at each other. 

I smile and say quietly- "I want to be happy." 

He goes- "I appreciate that, because I know you mean it."

We say our goodbyes, and (I could be wrong) but I swear his voice was getting higher when we were saying bye- "take care" he said. 

We hang up. 

I go to bathroom and tear up. I look in the mirror and for maybe the fifth time in my life, I get (probably the worst) stress rash on my face. 

I was stressed dude, and my body was being affected. That's when I realized how stressed I was. 

Anyway, my sister and bestie M were there for me and many of my good friends were spoken with about it. 

Some people said that he should've fought for it more, but like if the distance was the problem, then I can't change that right away. I did tell him that I want to move there one day, but that's when I started talking about the religion part. 

The thing is is that "distance" was the problem for him, and while that is hard, that was not a deal breaker for me at all. If that was the only thing, I would do long-distance. But religion was my thing. 

The truth is that a fe months ago, I would have said, yeah let's try anyways, even tho we believe in totally different things. 

But now I know that it is my foundation. Now I am not saying a great Christian- a pretty poor one at that, but if I am this weak on my own, I would like a boyfriend/husband that I can lean on and he leans on me and we both can lean on Christ together. Isn't that lovely?

At the end of the day, LW told me that I should write down how I felt after that conversation. 

I would say that while I was/am in pain, I am so proud of myself. 

So extremely proud that I stood up for myself, for my morals and for my beliefs. 

I do not think that everyone would have the guts to do that when they really like someone. 

The thing is that it felt like he was "leading" the "relationship" where he was like, well, I can't do long distance but still kept in touch, which was confusing. 

A part of me feels like I should have listened to him talk more, although I did listen. I think I was honestly in SHOCK when he said "100%" I would want to try - and I think I blacked out for a second. lol 

I really miss him. But I also feel like I put soooo much effort into it, and I felt like he was only putting in partial effort- but then I go back to the fact that we weren't in a relationship!! So yeah. 

I think at the end of the day, both of us care about each other, but it doesn't seem like it would work in the long run. 

I pray for him sometimes. I hope that he's good. I hope I didn't hurt him, and I worry about that. But also, I was hurting myself by being so stressed that I broke out in a rash after talking to him. 

Going back to how I felt after. I remember looking at the picture I have in my bathroom of my sister and I when I was like five years old- and I literally thought to my younger self- "I got you" like "I got your back" and I honestly felt like I got my future self's back too. Like how cool is that??

Now I'm smiling haha :) see writing does help. 

Anyway, I hope to see him again, but I also hope that my feelings do lessen soon, because if we aren't right for each other, there's no point. But man did I learn a lot- 

About relationships. 

About myself!!

And while there was good and bad- I'm still glad it happened. 

I really am. 

I hope my heart heals soon- and I hope to keep trusting in God. 

AND either way, I really hope he becomes a Christian again one day. Please help him Jesus. 

Also side note, almost my one year anniversary of being office manager, and while that is so stressful, I am also so freaking proud of myself - I think that job (and this relationship) changed my life.

Again, for both, a lot of bad, but a lot more good. 

Don't fret Tash, you're doing your best gosh darnit. 

Lord Jesus please give me strength, wisdom and guidance. 

As always, 

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." 

Amen. 

Love you, 

Tash