Me Again

Soooo

I'm crying a bit. 

I've been feeling so lost lately, but I am sincerely trying to find my way back. 

Ya see, I did see C in July, and for the most part, it was awesome. 

There were a few things that he said out of immaturity that hurt me, but other things that were so kind and wonderful. 

And the wonderful parts, which was the majority, was like a dream. 

Truly. 

I did find myself super nervous tho at times, while at other times completely at ease. 

We did talk about relationships and that conversation was a bag of mixed emotions. 

Pretty much we like each other, but the distance is too much of a deal breaker for him. 

We kept in touch though- not as much as before when it came to FaceTiming and such, but we did text here and there. 

As time went on tho, I feel like I got more and more stressed - like does he even like me, or does he just like kissing me. 

I was honestly so stressed to the point where I second guessed everything he texted me and truly didn't know where we stood. 

On the other hand, this cute guy doesn't believe in God. :( Which is the last thing I want to hear. 

Initially, I thought he was more open to Christianity the first few months, but the second time I saw him (in July), he just seemed like his mind was made up, and while I didn't push him or get defensive, I was proud of myself for standing up for what I believe in at least. 

Anyway- last week I decided to FaceTime him. 

My friend M.P. even helped me write out notes because I was so nervous and wanted to still come across well. 

We had small talk at first, and of course he looked cute unfortunately lol but the conversation went something like this:

Me: "So I've been confused lately, because we're dating when I'm there, but we're friends when I'm here but not?"

Then he goes on to say this which I was very surprised he said: "I'm sorry if I made you feel stupid." I said thank you (because I honestly felt at times he did think I was a little stupid) - then he goes, "I never wanted to hurt you." I go- "No I know you never meant to hurt me, but I'm not the kind of girl that does friends with benefits- with anyone." 

C goes- "I would 100% try something if it wasn't for the distance- I have seriously thought about if I can see I together and it's just the distance." - me: yeah I mean I know distance can be hard... but also I feel like we believe in different things. 

He pauses. I go on. "Like you don't believe in God and I do- and idk if you've ever had a situation like that before- I don't think it would bother you that much, but I think it would be difficult." 

He goes- "yeah, I have had something like that, and I feel like we wouldn't argue but there would be disagreements, because it does effect things." I go- yeah like on a daily basis. I go- "I've been thinking about if I can be with someone in general that doesn't believe in God- and it's just too important for me. I just want to be with someone that believes in the same things that I do" - he goes "well I really hope that you do find that". 

Thanks, I say back. 

I go- "ya know, I didn't want to ghost you or anything- I wanted to give you the respect and courtesy of being honest" he goes- thank you for telling me- better to know now then in a year." 

There was a bit of a pause, and honestly I can't remember everything- but I went on to say, "I care about you, and I think you know that"- then C goes: "Well I care about you too, and I hope you know that"

I go - "ya know even though we dont believe the same things, we get along so well- he agreed- I go " I mean you didn't annoy me for the most part" and we laugh. 

I say a half-joke and say, "well, if you ever become Christian..." and we both laugh. Then he goes, "well if you ever become atheist.." I go- "tough luck buddy! I'll pray for you." We laugh again. :) 

He goes- "I still like you- I'd still like to get coffee when you come again if you want" 

I go- "yeah I still like coffee" and smirk. I talk about months I might come. 

Short pause and we're just smiling at each other. 

I smile and say quietly- "I want to be happy." 

He goes- "I appreciate that, because I know you mean it."

We say our goodbyes, and (I could be wrong) but I swear his voice was getting higher when we were saying bye- "take care" he said. 

We hang up. 

I go to bathroom and tear up. I look in the mirror and for maybe the fifth time in my life, I get (probably the worst) stress rash on my face. 

I was stressed dude, and my body was being affected. That's when I realized how stressed I was. 

Anyway, my sister and bestie M were there for me and many of my good friends were spoken with about it. 

Some people said that he should've fought for it more, but like if the distance was the problem, then I can't change that right away. I did tell him that I want to move there one day, but that's when I started talking about the religion part. 

The thing is is that "distance" was the problem for him, and while that is hard, that was not a deal breaker for me at all. If that was the only thing, I would do long-distance. But religion was my thing. 

The truth is that a fe months ago, I would have said, yeah let's try anyways, even tho we believe in totally different things. 

But now I know that it is my foundation. Now I am not saying a great Christian- a pretty poor one at that, but if I am this weak on my own, I would like a boyfriend/husband that I can lean on and he leans on me and we both can lean on Christ together. Isn't that lovely?

At the end of the day, LW told me that I should write down how I felt after that conversation. 

I would say that while I was/am in pain, I am so proud of myself. 

So extremely proud that I stood up for myself, for my morals and for my beliefs. 

I do not think that everyone would have the guts to do that when they really like someone. 

The thing is that it felt like he was "leading" the "relationship" where he was like, well, I can't do long distance but still kept in touch, which was confusing. 

A part of me feels like I should have listened to him talk more, although I did listen. I think I was honestly in SHOCK when he said "100%" I would want to try - and I think I blacked out for a second. lol 

I really miss him. But I also feel like I put soooo much effort into it, and I felt like he was only putting in partial effort- but then I go back to the fact that we weren't in a relationship!! So yeah. 

I think at the end of the day, both of us care about each other, but it doesn't seem like it would work in the long run. 

I pray for him sometimes. I hope that he's good. I hope I didn't hurt him, and I worry about that. But also, I was hurting myself by being so stressed that I broke out in a rash after talking to him. 

Going back to how I felt after. I remember looking at the picture I have in my bathroom of my sister and I when I was like five years old- and I literally thought to my younger self- "I got you" like "I got your back" and I honestly felt like I got my future self's back too. Like how cool is that??

Now I'm smiling haha :) see writing does help. 

Anyway, I hope to see him again, but I also hope that my feelings do lessen soon, because if we aren't right for each other, there's no point. But man did I learn a lot- 

About relationships. 

About myself!!

And while there was good and bad- I'm still glad it happened. 

I really am. 

I hope my heart heals soon- and I hope to keep trusting in God. 

AND either way, I really hope he becomes a Christian again one day. Please help him Jesus. 

Also side note, almost my one year anniversary of being office manager, and while that is so stressful, I am also so freaking proud of myself - I think that job (and this relationship) changed my life.

Again, for both, a lot of bad, but a lot more good. 

Don't fret Tash, you're doing your best gosh darnit. 

Lord Jesus please give me strength, wisdom and guidance. 

As always, 

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." 

Amen. 

Love you, 

Tash 

Honestly...

 Sometimes I surprise myself. 

I just read through that most recent post of mine and it touched my heart. 

I hope I become kinder to myself, but I've also been struggling with balancing between standing up for myself but still being kind to others. 

I feel like I'm not as kind anymore. but I can't decide if that's a good thing or not, and it's bothering me. That might prove that I should be kinder lol 

Idk- there are so many people sooo ready to give advice (including myself), and I've recently realized that I shouldn't share my life story with everyone (iron about this blog but no one's on blogger anymore let's be honest this is like a diary for me lol). I've found that I have overshared at times in general but HEY am I perfect? no. Is anyone perfect? nope. so I should be kind to myself but also to others. I should forgive myself, but also others. 

Things to work on. 

I also need to trust God more. 

Lord Jesus Christ, I believe O Lord, help my unbelief. Strengthen my faith. Guide me in the way I should walk. Help me to do my best. Love you. Thank you. 

Anyways. 

Nothing crazy is new... 

Except one thing that I HAD to share. 

I finally... DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!

Had my first kiss!!!! And it was magical. 

Like seriously. Best first kiss I could have asked for. 

Overlooking the cityscape. 

I'll explain in one day. 

I am going to see said kisser in a month lol 

Honestly I'm a hard-core day dreamer if you haven't already guessed. 

Nothing crazy- just imagining us walking around the city and spending time together. 

I don't know what's actually going to happen, but I'm trying not to worry about it. 

I have a crush that's for sure. 

But life is short, right? 

And some risks are good risks. 

My risks aren't even risky lol 

My risk is to hang out with a guy HA 

I just need to chill and be more present, whether or not I am hanging out with him.

Random but I also sometimes feel super accomplished as office manager and sometimes so not. But hills and valleys are a thing, right? Up and down, Tash. 

Rememberrr: 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

Let's see how these next few months unfold. 

AND Natasha - don't worry about getting your heart broken. 

Just try your best, and remind yourself that no one is perfect except Christ, and He is full of Grace. 

Get up when you fall down silly billy! 

Don't forget to be your silly self. I miss that part of myself. 

Get back to it. 

Love you, 

Tash 

Draft found from Feb 2022 :)

 Well well well, 

Here we are again. 

I honestly always surprise myself at how long it takes me to come back to this blog, but I am so grateful to my past self for doing this, because I’ve found that my past self almost always helps my present self. 

SO much has happened that I dont know if I can fit it all in a post, but I’ll try to tell you the highlights. 

Let’s see… the last time I wrote a post, I was about to go to a youth conference for the first time, and this time- I am writing on the plane coming home from my third (and probably last) conference. 

In terms of “finding someone special”, these conferences are disappointing. 

BUT in terms of making friends, it definitely is nice. 

I think I sometimes forget to look back at the good parts of my life experiences, so at times I have to force myself to do so, which ultimately reminds me of positive things that happened. For example: 

I spent time with one of my besties (G). 

I met a bunch of nice people honestly and heard some of their life stories. 

I went to Chicago- I love going places. 

I stood up for my faith in small ways. 

I felt pretty most of the time- didn’t love my outfit the last night0 but is that really important? Lol no- I did look SUPER cute the other nights lol 

I met a couple cute guys- nothing that seemed to stick, but it was nice to have an interaction nonetheless. 

Overall, it was a nice trip. :) 

I really want and need to work on being present though- sometimes I find myself in a fog as if I’m dreaming and it scares me- but when I say the Jesus Prayer. It helps. <3 

Let me try to give you an overview of the past two years- yikes lol 

2020- 

Started my internship0 was scary but cool 

Covid happened 

Was furloughed and stayed home for 4 months 

Went back for overnight shift but didnt feel safe, because of the looting of the malls

Took a leave of absence and started working as extra help at Tata’s office in July 2020

Got laid off from the hotel in September (fair enough) 

Had surgery in October because of a ruptured appendix and didn’t realize until after a while that I could have easily died- Thank God I was okay- 

That honestly taught me a lot, I think of it sometimes when I feel weak and I feel strengthened knowing that I got thorough it- I have a small dent on my nose from a tube after the surgery, and at first I was worried about it, but I’m glad I have it, because it reminds me to be courageous. 

Let’s see- 

I went to Montenegro with Tata and met my cousins and friends I still keep in contact with <3 (especially D)

That trip helped me gain more confidence in myself. 

Fast forward to my birthday weekend in March where Mihaila, Nina and I went to San Fran- it was so fun- we rented a red corvette haha and I cracked my tooth LOL which was fixed eventually. 

DUDE- pause. 

My life is so cool and fun. 

I should never complain lol 

Anyways- my 25th birthday party was also really fun- it was at Nina and mine apartment that we both loveeeeee (Oh yeah, we got a nice apartment in August and still have it)

Went to Mexico with the Popovici and fam in May and almost hung out with some hotties LOL key word almost. 

OH MY FRIEND AND I RECONCILED and we’re so close again- but I appreciate our time apart even though it was painful- being apart helped me to grow more into myself and while we lean on each other, I feel like my life is more my own than hers for sure compared to before. She supports me. 

My family is a mess but I truly love them- when my siblings were bothering me lol my dad said to me the other day something along the lines of- yes, you guys have arguments- but you guys would die for each other at the end of the day- thinking about that truly helps me to remember that our little arguments are a but silly- 

Hmm what’s next- 

Oh yeah. 

I stopped talking with a family friend that was a big advisor in my life and while I miss them much, I am also so proud of myself for finally believing that I could actually survive without them and their advice, and that’s pretty big. 

I find myself still searching for someone to lean on and to answer my questions, but I do have wonderful family and friends that help me- and I also need to build my relationship with Christ which I KNOW will help me gain peace and stability in my soul. 

ANYWAY- 

July 2021- Serbia and Montengro :) 

Flew there all by myself- I was so proud (of course God also kept me safe) that trip I really got out of my confort zone

Had my first hand hold lol 

Gave my injtagem to a konobar lol 

Went on a raft with 20 of my cousins friends and my cousin wasn’t there- which is big for me lol 

Etc 

Hmm 

Oh yeah- I became front desk supervisor at the office back in January 2021- and this past November 1st- 

I became office manager. 

Don’t ask me how it happened- idk either lol 

I had multiple reasons for why I wanted to be office manager: 

I wanted to help my family with our family business 

I wanted to prove to people that I was/am capable 

I wanted to prove to myself that I was/am capable

OH YEAH 

I also started a masters degree for international management in January 2021 dang flabbit and will hopefully be graduating in August if all goes well. 

I’m in stats now and I hate it lol but whatever happens, happens- it’s always worked out with God’s help, so it’ll be alright. 

Okayyyy 

Back to being manager- 

It’s hard dude. 

Ups and downs

I’m proud of myself though. 

It’ll be four months in a week and a half- and while I feel like there are so many things that I want to fix/update and learn, I should be proud of how far I’ve come- the biggest thing I have to work on is time management (surprise surprise)- I need to learn how to delegate, use my own time wisely, and also work on being kind, but firm. 

It’s a work in progress to say the least. 

OH YEAH HA

I went back to Serbia and Montenegro with Nina in January 2022- met up with one of my best friends Irina - which I met in July- God put her in my life I just know it- I feel like I’ve known her for years and I’m just myself around her <3 She rocks. 

I actually had a super cool convo when I hung out with that konobar from the past- because long story short my sister’s talking with his friend. 

I wonder what update I’ll have on that next time I write lol but they’re cute together (not official though)

Some friend updates: 

Salome had her second baby 

Aleks might have gotten a boyfriend this weekend lol

Mihaila will probably be engaged with Aco this year- they truly are good for each other 

Liks had a bf but she’s growing from the breakup 

While there are definitely some bad things happening in the world right now, 

All I can do is try my best, focus on today, trust in God- and keep moving forward. 

I told Nina my “New Years resolution” would be to have a healthier mind, soul and body and I stand by that- hopefully I will gain more confidence overall and also create a more stable foundation for my day, more structure and more of taking care of myself- don’t forget to take care of yourself- 

Honestly, I’ve been sad lately, but whenever I focus on others more, I feel relief and peace- I’;m gonna try to do that more. 

If I’m reading this next year- I hope that future Natasha is more joyful, closer to Christ, more confident and stronger as a person. 

There has been a LOT of growing pains the past two years, but a lot of growth too. 

Be kind to yourself. 

That’s what I want to do. 

By this time next year- I hope that I’m a lot more kind to myself. 

Remember, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

Don’t be discouraged- keep moving forward step by step, but remember that your’re doing pretty well- keep your head up. 

Love you, 

Tash